I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
