forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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