i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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