two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
