i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
