No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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