just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
