he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
