I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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