Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
