he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
