Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
