When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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