he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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