if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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