so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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