oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
