So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
