I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize