i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I deserve this hangover.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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