we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
