I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
