My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
