she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
