Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
