We named our party play list daddy issues
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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