oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
