I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
