i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So much rum. So many feels.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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