I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
