He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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