Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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