just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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