Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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