Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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