In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
