Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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