They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You dont lie about slip and slides
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
