I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
