Apparently you make a good broom.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
