it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
