census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Randomize
