Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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