I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
