i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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