Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
