I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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