If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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