i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
