it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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