someone get that fucking seahorse.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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