I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
