the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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