Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
