Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
