omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs