I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
