his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
