I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
