My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
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I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She needs sedatives and a leash
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
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As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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