The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
